clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
