I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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