shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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