Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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