I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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