his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
