I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
