if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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