i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
