OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
