you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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