Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
