Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
