I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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