TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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