When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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