So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
