he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
