I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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