I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
