Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
