My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
