Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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