I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
