Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
