Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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