so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
