GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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