woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
