i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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