I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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