This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
