please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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