i may or may not be watching the land before time
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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