i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
sick fucks of a feather flock together
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
