The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
