so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
