i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
