Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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