I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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