I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
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I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
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My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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