God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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