anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
