I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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