i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
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