Umm I'm too high to move.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
