I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
