I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
