I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Pooping to opera.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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