a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
