well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
