party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
